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Showing posts with label men jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men jokes. Show all posts

Man having only 12 erections left

Mr Smith was having problems with his Unit, His wife made an appointment to see the doctor. After some test's the doctor came into the examination room with the medical report.

"Well Mr. Smith" said the Doctor, "I have some bad news"
"What is it" Asked Mr. Smith.
The doctor looked at the report and said.
"Well I'm afraid your penis has only 12 erections left in it, After that your penis will be useless"

Leaving the doctors office Mr. Smith walked slowly home thinking what to do.
Upon opening the door to his house his wife was there waiting for him.
"What did the doctor say she asked"
" He said that my penis only has 12 erections left and after that it will be useless" Mr. Smith said with a frown.
"Well we will have to make a list of things to do for sex before it becomes useless" Mrs. Smith said.
" I did make a list on the walk home and your not on it"

Attractive Blonde in Dublin Stripping Naked in Casino

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled," Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES, YES, I WON, I WON!"

The boss

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"


The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."


"What does he know?"


"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."


"How about the second one?"


"The second parrot costs $5,000."


"What does he know?"


"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."


"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."


"This one costs $20,000."


"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"


"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

While the Cat’s Away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful…. Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Presents for the Wife


Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.


After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."


After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."


The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."


Things a Naked Man Does Not Want to Hear

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.


2. Ahh, it's cute.


3. Who circumcised you?


4. Why don't we just cuddle?


5. You know they have surgery to fix that.


6. It's more fun to look at.


7. Make it dance.


8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.


9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?


10. It looks like a night crawler.


11. Wow, and your feet are so big.


12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.


13. It's ok, we'll work around it.


14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?


15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.


16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?


17. Oh no, a flash headache.


18. (giggle and point)


19. Can I be honest with you?


20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.


21. Let me go get my tweezers.


22. How sweet, you brought incense.


23. This explains your car.


24. You must be a growing boy.


25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.


26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.


27. Are you one of those pygmies?


28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?


29. Every heard of clearasil?


30. All right, a treasure hunt!


31. I didn't know they came that small.


32. Why is God punishing you?


33. At least this won't take long.


34. I never saw one like that before.


35. What do you call this?


36. But it still works, right?


37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.


38. It looks so unused.


39. Do you take steroids?


40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.


41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.


42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?


43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.


44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?


45. Aww, it's hiding.


46. Are you cold?


47. If you get me real drunk first.


48. Is that an optical illusion?


49. What is that?


50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.


51. Were you neutered?


52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.


53. Does it come with an air pump?


54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.


55. Where are the puppet strings?


56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.


57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.


58. Never mind, why bother.


59. Is that a second belly button?


60. Where's the rest of it?




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