Sardar Jokes - II: Funny Jokes Collection
Sponsored Ads
Santa Singh is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at Santa singh Then goes thru his certificates and then starts asking him questions.
Following is the transcript :
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites
S : Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)
O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......
Our sardar also shouts)
Officer is now angry.
O : Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected ........ ....... and This is how Santa Singh got his job.
----------
While travelling a sardar was carrying a binocular with him.
But he never seemed to use it while looking outside the window.
A co-passenger who was travelling with him asked why he was carrying binoculars.
The sardar simply said ...
"I am on my way to see a distant relative."
----------
Once, two Sardars were feeling bored and decided to play a few games of chess to pass the time.
They were doing this for some time, when two more sardar friends dropped by.
Seeing them play chess, they said - "Come on guys, we are feeling bored too. Let us play doubles!"
----------
Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father."
Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?" "No son, that's because you are intelligent. "
Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??" "No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??" The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
----------
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.
----------
Travelling together once were a Russian, an American & the saviour of our nation - Sardarji!!!
Each of them wanted to prove that their country was the greatest.
Said the Russian, " We have a rocket that could touch the sky." "We dont believe it ",said the others.
"Ok! Ok! but just 2cms. below the sky"
Not to be out done the American said, " We have a submarine that can touch the ocean-bed of the deepest part on this planet."
"We don't believe it ",said the others.
"Ok! Ok! but just 2cms. above the ocean-bed"
Our hero with a smile on his face said, "In our country we all eat with our nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
----------
One sardu was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told:"I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat.But sardarji was adament and did not leave.Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt.He also came and requested,but in vain.
Finally the Captain came.He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji,and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished,the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt afterwards what he told to the sardarji.Capt. told :"nothing.Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."
----------
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed Mr. & Mrs. Santa to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
----------
NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India".
----------
Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Santa Singh," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, my next door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word."
"OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill's tractor from the farm."
Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers,10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"I'll be dogged!" says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back."
Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very happy to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."
----------
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
----------
He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse condition. Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up"
Daughters?". The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.
----------
Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task.
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
Y2K Project Leader
----------
Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.
"Easy"replied Jarnail.
"I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"
This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the bell."
The boys heard this also & cut the bell.
The next day, Zail got frustrated & said "Okay now the last criterion, white will be yours & black will be mine."
----------
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
----------
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
----------
Santa Singh is the aggressive participant on Kaun Banega..
Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal: Who is India's Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D:Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!
----------
A Sardar, a Japanese, and a Britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the Britisher took the seat, and the sardar took the door.
After a while of walking the Britisher asked the Japanese, "I'm confused, why did you bring the Radiator?"
The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."
Next the sardar asked the Britisher, "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the Britisher said, "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when I shall feel the need to get some breeze in this summer all I have to do is roll down the window."
----------
The doctor told the sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
----------
In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him how many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Zail replied "Seven". Then his friend told him "When you eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty. Then how can you eat seven??"
Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife "How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach??". She replied "Five". Then Zail said: "If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it".
----------
Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with a man ahead of him. "Ek Punjab Mail dena', demanded the man in front. He was given a ticket. Then came the turn of Banta Singh, "Ikk Punjab female dena" "What do you mean by Punjab female?" asked the clerk. "It is for my wife", replied Banta Singh.
----------
A Sardar walked into a household appliances store. The owner was busy tallying his accounts and his eyes were glued to his ledgers. The Sardar asked the owner, "I want that VCR."
Without taking his eyes off the ledger, the owner replied ,"No, Sardar, that is not for you."
Our Sardar felt insulted. He thought that the shop keeper was biased against Sardars. Next day he arrived at the shop clean shaven and without his headgear. He asked for the same VCR. The owner who was again busy tallying his accounts replied without raising his head, "No, Sardar, that is not for you".
The Sardar was perplexed. How could the shop keeper guess correctly that he was a Sardar? So the next day, the Sardar went to the same shop disguised as a woman, in churidar and pyjama, head covered with dupatta and asked the same VCR. The shopkeeper again replied without raising his head, "No, Sardar, that is not for you".
Puzzled the Sardar asked the shop keeper how he guessed that he was a Sardar without raising his head. "Very simple", said the shopkeeper, "That is not a VCR. That is a Washing machine!".
----------
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A Sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
----------
Once Santa went to beach. A man was doing push up at the shore. Santa stops there & started laughing & said," I am sorry to tell u my dear friend but the girl below u has already left ! !! ! !!"
Banta in a very morose mood tells Santa that his buffalo is ill. He enquires from Santa, "that wasn`t his buffalo also down with the same illness last year?"
Santa replies in the affirmative. Banta asks for the medication used by Santa. Santa tells him that he gave 250 gms of opium to it.
Banta goes home and gives 250 gms of opium to his ailing buffalo. The next day, he met Santa and told him that his buffalo died.
Santa tells Banta that it isn`t surprising, because even his buffalo died after taking the opium.
----------
Santa and Banta were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town`s Fire Alarm went off. Santa jumped up and headed for the door.
Banta shouted, "Hey, Santa, I didn`t know you were a fireman!"
Santa replied, "I`m not, but my girlfriend`s husband is..."
----------
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?' and sped off....
The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car . The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off.
This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ' Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda Chalaye kya?'
The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha , Brakes kahaan hain dhoond raha tha'!!
----------
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was?
.. . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!
----------
A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead person's relatives beat him. why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
----------
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager.
----------
"Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.................
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"
----------
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
----------
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
----------
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever you order first will come first.
----------
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
----------
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
----------
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
----------
Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving..
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- We must find & stop her!.
----------
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
----------
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"
----------
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
----------
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...---To avoid side effect!!!
----------
Man: Sardarji where were u born?
Sardarji: Punjab.
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
----------
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"
----------
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Mrs Sardar painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showedhim the instructions on the tin, "For best results put on two coats"
----------
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.
----------
QSmile How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???
ASmile They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!
----------
Santa Singh MBBS.
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!
----------
There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north sideof the city playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next to the bag.
Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Signed: Another Sardarji
----------
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?
----------
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?' Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
----------
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'
----------
'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. D'I am not your son.' I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.
----------
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.
----------
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
----------
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
----------
A sardarji came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
----------
Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
----------
Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.) Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).
----------
Following is the transcript :
O : Mr. Santa Singh, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions. If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites
S : Yes Sir.
Officer started asking questions
O : Above
S : Below
O : Front
S : Back
O : Left
S : Right
O : Male
S : Female
O : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi)
S : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi)
O : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it)
S : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our sardar also spells it)
O : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts)
S : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y......
Our sardar also shouts)
Officer is now angry.
O : Get out
S : Come in.
O : Quiet please.
S : Talk please.
O : You are rejected.
S : I am selected ........ ....... and This is how Santa Singh got his job.
----------
While travelling a sardar was carrying a binocular with him.
But he never seemed to use it while looking outside the window.
A co-passenger who was travelling with him asked why he was carrying binoculars.
The sardar simply said ...
"I am on my way to see a distant relative."
----------
Once, two Sardars were feeling bored and decided to play a few games of chess to pass the time.
They were doing this for some time, when two more sardar friends dropped by.
Seeing them play chess, they said - "Come on guys, we are feeling bored too. Let us play doubles!"
----------
Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father."
Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?" "No son, that's because you are intelligent. "
Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??" "No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad, today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??" The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."
----------
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks.
The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar .
He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc .
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger.You should have overran that person .
Sardar said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.
----------
Travelling together once were a Russian, an American & the saviour of our nation - Sardarji!!!
Each of them wanted to prove that their country was the greatest.
Said the Russian, " We have a rocket that could touch the sky." "We dont believe it ",said the others.
"Ok! Ok! but just 2cms. below the sky"
Not to be out done the American said, " We have a submarine that can touch the ocean-bed of the deepest part on this planet."
"We don't believe it ",said the others.
"Ok! Ok! but just 2cms. above the ocean-bed"
Our hero with a smile on his face said, "In our country we all eat with our nose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
----------
One sardu was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane.He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat.But the sardaji told:"I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess .The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat.But sardarji was adament and did not leave.Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt.He also came and requested,but in vain.
Finally the Captain came.He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji,and the sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished,the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt afterwards what he told to the sardarji.Capt. told :"nothing.Ijust told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."
----------
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed Mr. & Mrs. Santa to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
----------
NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India".
----------
Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Santa Singh," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, my next door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word."
"OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill's tractor from the farm."
Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers,10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"I'll be dogged!" says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singh that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back."
Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very happy to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."
----------
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, "I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you one lakh today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 weeks."
The Sardar said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my 20 lakhs right now, then I want my five rupees back!"
----------
He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital. He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a worse condition. Banta explained what happened to him He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up"
Daughters?". The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The rest is history.
----------
Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task.
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak.
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction."
Very Sincerely
Banta Singh
Y2K Project Leader
----------
Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.
"How will we know which is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.
"Easy"replied Jarnail.
"I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"
This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.
Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without the bell."
The boys heard this also & cut the bell.
The next day, Zail got frustrated & said "Okay now the last criterion, white will be yours & black will be mine."
----------
Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
----------
Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
----------
Santa Singh is the aggressive participant on Kaun Banega..
Amitabh: Santaji, 5 sawal ka jawab diye to Rs. 10,000 jeetiye. 15 jawab par 1 crore! Aapke paas teen lifeline hain. Ek hazaar rupee ke liye aapka pehla sawaal: Who is India's Prime Minister? A: Vajpayee B: Advani C: Zail Singh D:Amrish Puri?
Santa Singh: Vajpayee.
Amitabh: Sure?
Santa Singh: Yes, sure.
Amitabh: Confident?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Absolutely sure?
Santa Singh: Yes Amitji.
Amitabh: Lock kar dein?
Santa Singh: Yes.
Amitabh: Sahee jawab! Aap ek hazaar rupee jeet gaye hain!
Santa Singh: Oye! Saale, ullu mat banaa! Paanch jawab diye hain puray dus hazaar nikaal!
----------
A Sardar, a Japanese, and a Britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Japanese took the radiator, the Britisher took the seat, and the sardar took the door.
After a while of walking the Britisher asked the Japanese, "I'm confused, why did you bring the Radiator?"
The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."
Next the sardar asked the Britisher, "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the Britisher said, "If I get tired, I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when I shall feel the need to get some breeze in this summer all I have to do is roll down the window."
----------
The doctor told the sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, the sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
----------
In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him how many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Zail replied "Seven". Then his friend told him "When you eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty. Then how can you eat seven??"
Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife "How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach??". She replied "Five". Then Zail said: "If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it".
----------
Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with a man ahead of him. "Ek Punjab Mail dena', demanded the man in front. He was given a ticket. Then came the turn of Banta Singh, "Ikk Punjab female dena" "What do you mean by Punjab female?" asked the clerk. "It is for my wife", replied Banta Singh.
----------
A Sardar walked into a household appliances store. The owner was busy tallying his accounts and his eyes were glued to his ledgers. The Sardar asked the owner, "I want that VCR."
Without taking his eyes off the ledger, the owner replied ,"No, Sardar, that is not for you."
Our Sardar felt insulted. He thought that the shop keeper was biased against Sardars. Next day he arrived at the shop clean shaven and without his headgear. He asked for the same VCR. The owner who was again busy tallying his accounts replied without raising his head, "No, Sardar, that is not for you".
The Sardar was perplexed. How could the shop keeper guess correctly that he was a Sardar? So the next day, the Sardar went to the same shop disguised as a woman, in churidar and pyjama, head covered with dupatta and asked the same VCR. The shopkeeper again replied without raising his head, "No, Sardar, that is not for you".
Puzzled the Sardar asked the shop keeper how he guessed that he was a Sardar without raising his head. "Very simple", said the shopkeeper, "That is not a VCR. That is a Washing machine!".
----------
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A Sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
----------
Once Santa went to beach. A man was doing push up at the shore. Santa stops there & started laughing & said," I am sorry to tell u my dear friend but the girl below u has already left ! !! ! !!"
Banta in a very morose mood tells Santa that his buffalo is ill. He enquires from Santa, "that wasn`t his buffalo also down with the same illness last year?"
Santa replies in the affirmative. Banta asks for the medication used by Santa. Santa tells him that he gave 250 gms of opium to it.
Banta goes home and gives 250 gms of opium to his ailing buffalo. The next day, he met Santa and told him that his buffalo died.
Santa tells Banta that it isn`t surprising, because even his buffalo died after taking the opium.
----------
Santa and Banta were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town`s Fire Alarm went off. Santa jumped up and headed for the door.
Banta shouted, "Hey, Santa, I didn`t know you were a fireman!"
Santa replied, "I`m not, but my girlfriend`s husband is..."
----------
One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - 'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?' and sped off....
The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car . The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off.
This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ' Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda Chalaye kya?'
The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha , Brakes kahaan hain dhoond raha tha'!!
----------
A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u know what the business was?
.. . . He opened a Saloon in Punjab!
----------
A sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead person's relatives beat him. why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"
----------
Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.
Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager.
----------
"Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.................
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"
----------
One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
----------
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
----------
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever you order first will come first.
----------
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
----------
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
----------
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
----------
Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving..
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- We must find & stop her!.
----------
A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.
Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
----------
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXGN TUBE!"
----------
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
----------
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...---To avoid side effect!!!
----------
Man: Sardarji where were u born?
Sardarji: Punjab.
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".
----------
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"
----------
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found Mrs Sardar painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showedhim the instructions on the tin, "For best results put on two coats"
----------
A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). The first sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258.
----------
QSmile How do u recognize a sardar in school or college???
ASmile They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!
----------
Santa Singh MBBS.
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!
----------
There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck.
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north sideof the city playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next to the bag.
Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Signed: Another Sardarji
----------
Sardarji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.
Doctor : What's your problem?
Sardarji : I keep forgetting things.
Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?
Sardarji : What problem?
----------
Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?' Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'
----------
The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. 'Never mind,' reassured the collector, ' I will take your word that you bought your ticket.' 'That is very kind of you,' replied Banta Singh,'but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.'
----------
'Take me to the 10th floor,' said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, 'The 10th floor, beta.' 'Why did you call me beta?' demanded Banta Singh. D'I am not your son.' I called you beta because I brought you up,' replied the liftman.
----------
A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : 'Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa' . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ' Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap'. That ended the husband's witticisms.
----------
Two Sardarjis were in conversation on the beach :
Sardarji 1 :Praaji , Ise 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ?
Sardarji 2 : Tumhe nahe pata ?
Sardarji 1 : Nahe pata.
Sardarji 2 : Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai .
----------
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
----------
A sardarji came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death. "The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him. "Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the haryanavi. "My father was 182 cms tall."
----------
Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.
----------
Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.) Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).
----------
Subscribe to:
Post Comments
(
Atom
)
No comments :
Post a Comment